Simpsons Quotes 5

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Homer Jay Simpson: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]

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Homer Jay Simpson: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

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[A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

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[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa Simpson: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers -- oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Waylon Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

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Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!

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Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!

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[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

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Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don't think we're talking about love. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!

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Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer Jay Simpson: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.

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Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom."
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: Up and ATOM!
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialouge coach: [frustrated] Better.

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Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Hey mouse. Say cheese. [Takes a flash picture of the killer robot Itchy, short-circuiting it] Hey, with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action star.

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[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.

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Groundskeeper Willie: You've mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya handle a live one?

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[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer Jay Simpson: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]

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Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. ...Maybe Texas.

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Barney Gumble: I'll never drink again.
Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Barney Gumble: Hook it to my veins!

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Homer Jay Simpson: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!

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Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?

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[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

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Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer Jay Simpson: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer Jay Simpson: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

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[Bart has an earring]
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!

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Homer Jay Simpson: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer Jay Simpson: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

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Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer Jay Simpson: Three minutes!
[whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!

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[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.

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[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

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Homer Jay Simpson: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

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Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

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Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

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[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.]
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: Is that my butter?
Homer Jay Simpson: Can't talk -- taking memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to write.] Mmmmm... delicious.

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Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer Jay Simpson: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

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Moe Szyslak: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

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[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.

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[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer Jay Simpson: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."

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[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer Jay Simpson: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

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[At Apu's wedding.]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.

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Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."

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Homer Jay Simpson: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer Jay Simpson: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

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Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer Jay Simpson: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

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Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

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[At her first Broadway show.]
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.

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