An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. "What's the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "What's the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

-oOo-

For James it was a masterly addressing the ball, a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. 
"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?" 
"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away." 

-oOo-

A group of golfers go out together for a round and Tom plays a brilliant round finishing three under. The next weekend the foursome goes out again and once more Tom shoots a great round but the others notice that this week he has played left-handed instead of right as he had the week before. The following two weeks the same story, left or right handed Tom plays a great game. 

Finally one of the others has to ask him " how do you decide whether to play left or right handed on a particular day?" The reply was " I take a look at which side my wife is sleeping on when I get up and that's the hand I play that day". "But what happens if she is on her back?" one player asked, "I'm a bit late for the game!" was the reply.

-oOo-

Jim was sitting in the 19th hole one day looking kinda depressed. The bartender walked up to him and said," What is wrong Jim you look kinda down?"
"Well", Jim replied, "My golfing buddy for 40 years, Bob, had a heart attack on the 16th green today." 
"Oh that must have been real hard on you, Jim", the bartender replied. 
"Sure was", said Jim,'" It was hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag Bob..."

-oOo-

"Good golfers swing with effortless power, Rabbits swing with powerless effort"

-oOo-

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll 
drive me out of my mind." 
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt." 

-oOo-

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. 
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He 
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The 
man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit.9 Iron." 
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club 
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is 
shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, 
eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think 
frog?"the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole 
in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the 
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK 
where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." 
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, 
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do 
you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this 
is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what 
the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. 
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog 
down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this 
money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He 
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a 
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is 
how the girl ended up in my room." 

-oOo-

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes (SMACK!) Oh No!
A skydiver goes Oh No! (SMACK!)

-oOo-

One of the Rabbits is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon. 

On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home. 

The next day he decides to persevere and tees up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologising as he goes. 

"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the 
golfer. 

"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers. 

"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks. 

"No," says the golfer. 

"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly." 

"That's terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?" 

"You want to drop your left shoulder a little." 

-oOo-


This Irish bloke had been saving for years for the ultimate golfing holiday and finally he was off. 
You beauty - Nairobi. 
So he turns up at the Royal Nairobi Golf & Country Club looking forward to the best game of his life and WOW! he's allocated a personal caddie. He thought it a bit unusual that the caddie had a shotgun but - hey, what the heck. 
Off to the first tee he goes but he's so excited that WHACK - the ball slices off into the deep bush. 
"You'll be OK", says his caddie as he heads off into the bush looking for his ball, so deep in he goes when all of a sudden WHOOM. Startled he turns around and sees the caddie with a huge smile on his face standing with one foot placed on this very dead lion. 
This is unbelievable he thinks and walks off to the next tee. But - he's a little shaken and Thump! the ball heads off into the deep bush again. You're right mate, yells his caddie as once again he walks - this time with some trepidation - into the bush. KATHUMPA! He turns quickly around and there's his caddie again - hugest smile ever on his face, his left foot placed on the head of a rhino. 
"No worries!" yells the caddie and they complete the hole. 
Well  - the Irishman is a little bit shaken as he stands on the next tee contemplating the water hazard in front of him and - would you believe it? - tops the ball into the water. 
The caddie gives the thumbs up sign as he yells "You'll be able to get that, the 
water's shallow". Paddy is a little bit hesitant as he wades in and for good reason as out of nowhere a huge alligator surges through the water, grabs his left leg and rips it off. 
Surrounded by blood red water, he yells to the caddie "Why didn't you shoot 
him?' 
And the caddie yells back. 
"Because you don't have a shot on this hole!" 

-oOo-

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third 
hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him 
somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As 
he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's 
going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as 
a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two 
buckets of sand. 

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the 
fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion 
knew and told him: 

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside 
the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys 
you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and 
the winner gets to carry her back.'' 

"What about the bucket of sand?'' 

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.'' 

-oOo-


My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. 

I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?" 

"Certainly not, dear" she replied. 

"Well, neither would he." 

-oOo-

 

Subject:   THE LANGUAGE OF GOLF.
 
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you ?"

-oOo-

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed.

"Please dear, I need help," she gasped.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his putt.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're taking your putt?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

"The second hole? When is he coming?"

"Hey! I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

-oOo-

Man and woman at breakfast table, she having cup of coffee, he reading newspaper. Wife to husband: "Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?" 

Husband, quietly putting paper down, a little surprised, replies, "Well, we have had a good marriage and marriage is a good institution; so, yes, I'd probably remarry." 

He goes back to reading the paper, she gets another cup of coffee and after a few minutes, asks: "Honey, if I die before you and you remarry, would you bring her to live in our house?" 

He lowers the paper slowly, thinks for a second and says:  "Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage and it would be silly to move some place else so, yes, I think I would bring her to live here." 

He returns to his paper, a few minutes pass and she asks:  "Honey, if I die before you and you remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my golf clubs?"   "Don't be ridiculous," he says as he slams down the paper, "she's a lefty!" Back

 

Even More Old Jokes   Back